Episode 588
Presbyopia? Nah, My Arms Just Aren't Long Enough
I found a Wall Street Journal piece about people in their 40s who absolutely refuse to admit they're getting older — specifically the whole “I can’t read up close” thing, aka presbyopia. I riff on folks using their phone to snap pics and zoom instead of buying reading glasses (guilty as charged, I did that for years). There’s a guy whose coworkers all wore glasses to roast him, only for him to brag about being the only one with “good vision” — until the eye doc says he needed glasses five years ago. Another dude signed up for an $800 rental car upgrade because he couldn’t read the fine print, classic short-arm syndrome. I do a dumb Ronco-style arm extender bit (only $19.99, as seen on TV) and poke fun at holding menus out like you’re conducting traffic. Bottom line: we can admit our knees are shot, but not readers — hilarious, pathetic, and totally relatable.
Takeaways:
- I riff on a Wall Street Journal piece about 40‑somethings denying presbyopia and refusing reading glasses.
- We poke fun at desperate hacks like snapping phone pics and endlessly zooming instead of just buying simple readers.
- I call out 'short‑arm syndrome'—people holding menus way out like they're directing traffic until their arms run out.
- We share true examples: coworkers staged a gag with 20 people wearing glasses, and one guy accidentally paid an $800 rental‑car upgrade because he couldn't read the fine print.
- I parody an infomercial for the fake Ronco Arm Extender as the 'youthful' alternative to admitting you need reading glasses.
- Bottom line: we’ll admit sore knees and bad backs, but when it comes to readers we blame lighting, printers, or restaurants instead of getting help.
Transcript
It's Haystack.
Speaker A:And I stumbled across this new article in the Wall Street Journal, and it's about people in their 40s who are having a really hard time admitting that they are getting older.
Speaker A:And specifically, I'm talking about the ones that just can't see a dadgum thing anymore.
Speaker A:I'm talking about presbyopia.
Speaker A:As your eyes gradually use the ability to focus up close.
Speaker A:It usually starts in your 40s, in your early 40s.
Speaker A:And apparently people are going to ridiculous links to avoid admitting that they need reading glasses.
Speaker A:And I am guilty of this as well.
Speaker A:So I, as I read this article, one woman said she couldn't use, couldn't read small print anymore.
Speaker A:So she started using her phone to take pictures of everything and then zoom in.
Speaker A:And I was like, I have been personally attacked because I did that for about two years before I broke down and got glasses.
Speaker A:Another guy kept complaining that his computer monitor was blurry.
Speaker A:And so his coworkers staged a meeting where 20 of them all wore glasses to make fun of this guy.
Speaker A:And he missed the joke and started talking about how he was the only person with good vision because everyone else had glasses.
Speaker A:He finally goes to the eye doctor and the eye doctor says, yeah, you've needed eyeglasses for probably about five years.
Speaker A:Another poor fella could not read his rental car agreement and accidentally signed up for an $800 upgrade.
Speaker A:And eye doctors call the early stages of this short arm syndrome.
Speaker A:You've almost assuredly seen someone doing this.
Speaker A:You keep, you keep holding things further and further away in hopes that you can focus on them.
Speaker A:And eventually, eventually your arms are not long enough.
Speaker A:Which is why everybody over the age of 40 looks like they're trying to read restaurant menus while directing traffic or a symphony orchestra or something.
Speaker A:And I love how desperately people are fighting this.
Speaker A:I mean, we admit that our knees are shot, our backs hurt, we can't eat Mexican food after 7 o', clock, but you suggest that we need reading glasses and suddenly we're blaming the lighting, we're blaming the printer, we're blaming the restaurant, we're blaming the entire publishing industry.
Speaker A:I don't print it.
Speaker A:Print everything smaller to shave paper.
Speaker A:Of course, there is one very simple solution.
Speaker A:And no, I'm not, I'm not talking about glasses.
Speaker A:Are you a 40 something who refuses to wear reading glasses?
Speaker B:Yeah, but if I hold my phone from my face, I can almost kind of read it.
Speaker A:Then you need the Ronco arm extender.
Speaker A:The youthful alternative to old people eyeglasses.
Speaker A:The Ronco arm Extender extends any arm to move whatever you're reading into Focus magazines, letters, even the price of the Ronco arm extender.
Speaker B:Only $19.99.
Speaker B:I'm sold.
Speaker A:But wait, there's more.
Speaker A:The Ronco Arm Extender can help you reach things on the top shelf.
Speaker A:Shake hands with someone with bad breath and flip someone off in traffic from half a mile.
Speaker A:And if you can make out the numbers on your phone, call now and we'll send you a second item absolutely free.
Speaker A:And since you can't read the small print, you won't even know that you'll pay.
Speaker A:Additional shipping and handling.
Speaker A:The Ronco Arm Extender as seen on tv.
Speaker B:Yeah, I can't see the TV anymore either.
