Episode 259
Plumbing Tips from Haystack: Let's Talk Number Two!
Hold onto your morning coffee, folks, 'cause we're diving deep into the wild world of bathroom habits! This time, I’m taking a hilarious plunge into the debate about the best time to... you know, go number two. Apparently, morning poopers are the healthiest peeps around—who knew? I mean, these folks roll outta bed, sip lemon water, and tackle the day like it's a game of Whack-a-Mole! Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to figure out when our digestive systems will finally pick up the phone. So, buckle up as we tackle fiber, health tips that sound suspiciously like TED Talks, and why being “regular” is the weirdest flex ever! Let’s get this potty party started!
Takeaways:
- We've gone from chatting with comedy legend Jeff Foxworthy to discussing the best time to drop the kids off at the pool—talk about a plot twist!
- Morning poopers are apparently the healthiest peeps around—guess I need to step up my game, right?
- Turns out, your body's got a push notification system just for those urgent bathroom breaks—who knew?
- People bragging about their regularity is the weirdest flex ever—like, congrats on your colon management skills!
- Health advice is all about specifics now—I'm just trying to maintain my own plumbing without a manual!
- If your morning routine includes a bathroom visit before 8 AM, you’re basically a superhero in my book!
Transcript
It's Haystack and oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Speaker A:And by that, I mean me this time.
Speaker A:Yesterday, I was interviewing a legend in comedy, Jeff Foxworthy.
Speaker A:And this morning, I'm talking about the best time to go number two.
Speaker A:I mean, if you've ever seen one of these health articles online, they all sound like they're written by someone who just discovered the human body.
Speaker A:I see this headline that says, having a bowel movement in the morning is the healthiest.
Speaker A:Wow, that's incredible.
Speaker A:You know, next week science will confirm that breathing is beneficial.
Speaker A:Apparently, though, all kidding aside, morning poopers are the healthiest people.
Speaker A:Seems obvious to me.
Speaker A:I mean, morning poopers have their life together.
Speaker A:They wake up early, they drink warm lemon water or protein powder or whatever.
Speaker A:They've got matching towels.
Speaker A:These people do not doom scroll while in bed in the morning, they get up and they greet the day.
Speaker A:Meanwhile, the rest of us are out here treating our digestive system like customer support.
Speaker A:Yeah, your call is important to us.
Speaker A:The current wait time is sometime after lunch when the office bathroom is open.
Speaker A:Doctors always make digestion sound elegant to your gastrointestinal rhythm.
Speaker A:No, that's not what it is.
Speaker A:It's your body sending you push notifications with tremendous urgency.
Speaker A:You need to go.
Speaker A:You need to go now.
Speaker A:And it's weird.
Speaker A:Maybe you've never met one of these people, but I've met several of these people that are smug about it.
Speaker A:Oh, I'm very regular.
Speaker A:What a weird flex.
Speaker A:Imagine that in any other context.
Speaker A:Bragging about being regular, like, oh, yes, every morning at 7:12, like a Swiss train, it arrives.
Speaker A:Congratulations.
Speaker A:Your colon has management skills, I guess.
Speaker A:And everyone suddenly becomes a scientist in a TED Talk when talking about fiber.
Speaker A:You know what changed my life?
Speaker A:Chia seeds.
Speaker A:Relax, Gwyneth, you ate bird gravel.
Speaker A:But it's amazing.
Speaker A:The health experts are all saying, don't ignore the urge.
Speaker A:That is the biggest thing.
Speaker A:And that when you go number two is not as important as that.
Speaker A:You go number two on a routine that you regularly do it.
Speaker A:I just realized, though, getting older is basically understanding that health advice is increasingly specific.
Speaker A:Instructions on how to operate your own plumbing, drink more water, eat more fiber, walk after a meal.
Speaker A:At this point, I feel like I'm maintaining a haunted apartment building.
Speaker A:But again, good for the morning people.
Speaker A:I respect their hustle.
Speaker A:If your body wakes up, stretches, and handles all of its plumbing business before 8am, that's amazing.
Speaker A:My body wakes up confused, like an old laptop trying to install a Windows update.
