Episode 537
Morning 6-Pack - What Aliens Would Notice First
We’re counting down the Morning 6-Pack: the top six things aliens would say if they landed on Earth today. I riff on all the space-news hype — weird radio pulses, people getting excited, and us assuming every beep means little green pilots — then we flip it into six goofy lines those aliens might drop. We joke about sneaking a peek before Putin turns the place into a disaster, ask why everything smells like pumpkin spice, and vow that even aliens won’t miss foliage season. I even roast the whole “you look like Steve Buscemi” thing, because apparently we’re famous now. We keep it quick, sarcastic, and weird — and I save the best punchline for last, so you’ll wanna hear the number-one line straight from the saucer.
Takeaways:
- I hype mysterious deep-space radio blips, then point out scientists almost always call them natural phenomena.
- We mention a recent survey where over a third of Americans say all the UFO coverage made them more likely to believe in aliens.
- I kick off the Morning 6-Pack with six quick, silly jokes about what aliens would say if they landed here — fast, sarcastic, and playful.
- We tease list highlights like the pumpkin spice gag, foliage-tour obsession, and the whole 'we look like Steve Buscemi' bit, but I don’t spoil the final punchline.
- I close by handing listeners a sharp top pick that roasts Earth’s chaos instead of claiming real alien contact — you gotta hear the payoff.
Transcript
It's haystack.
Speaker A:And scientists keep picking up these weird radio signals from outside of our solar system, from deep space.
Speaker A:And I love these stories that you see occasionally because the headline always gives you four, five seconds of hope.
Speaker A:Mysterious signal detected from outside our solar system.
Speaker A:Oh my God, it's going to be aliens.
Speaker A:And then you read down to about paragraph three.
Speaker A:Scientists believe it's probably a natural phenomenon from a neutron star.
Speaker A:Damn it.
Speaker A:One recent story says that a source has fired off 235 unusually powerful radio pulses, including more than 100 in one hour.
Speaker A:Some of these pulses were thousands of times stronger than the normal signal from that particular source, which sounds less like astronomy and more like somebody in space hitting the send button.
Speaker A:Get this message?
Speaker A:Sentence.
Speaker A:But scientists again are saying it's almost certainly natural.
Speaker A:Almost certainly.
Speaker A:They recently checked another interstellar visitor, the Three Eye Atlas thing that was swinging around for artificial radio signals.
Speaker A:Nope.
Speaker A:Nothing.
Speaker A:Nada.
Speaker A:Millions of possibilities.
Speaker A:No aliens.
Speaker A:And yet people are getting more and more excited and more and more willing to believe in aliens.
Speaker A:A recent survey found that more than a third of Americans say that all this UFO coverage has made them believe more than they used to believe.
Speaker A:So scientists say, interesting electromagnetic phenomenon.
Speaker A:And half the Internet says, oh, okay, but what if that phenomenon has a little green pilot?
Speaker A:And that's where we're at.
Speaker A:Now, we've not yet heard from aliens, but we are absolutely convinced that any little bump in the night sky is an alien.
Speaker A:Which of course raises the question, what will the aliens say once they arrive on our planet?
Speaker B:Best way to start your day, these six jokes he's about to say, Listen up for old Haystack to crack open the morning six pack.
Speaker A:Yep, that's our morning six pack.
Speaker A:What are the top six things that aliens would likely say if they landed on planet Earth today?
Speaker A:Number six, don't mind us.
Speaker A:We just wanted to take a look around before Putin destroyed the whole place.
Speaker A:Five, why does everything smell like pumpkin spice?
Speaker A:Four, I don't care if we live 90 million light years away, we will not miss a foliage tour.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's gonna be that time of year soon.
Speaker A:Number three,.
Speaker B:Who is sticking?
Speaker B:Steve Buscemi.
Speaker A:And why does everyone keep saying we look like him?
Speaker A:These are the top six things aliens would say if they landed on Earth today.
Speaker A:Number two, we're searching for intelligent life.
Speaker A:Obviously, we'll keep looking.
Speaker A:And the number one thing an alien would likely say if they landed on Earth today.
Speaker A:Wait a minute.
Speaker A:$5 For 1 gallon of gas?
Speaker A:We picked the wrong planet for a fill up.
