Episode 572
Morning 6-Pack - Top 6 Not-So-Spooky Scare Fails
We’re serving up the Morning 6-Pack — our top six least scary horror movies, aka the flicks that try to spook you and forgot to bring the boo. We kick off by yapping about the whole “Science of Scare” thing (yeah, people hooked up to heart monitors — wild), then flip the vibe and roast six gloriously harmless horror titles. Expect dumb-good punny garbage like The Texas Chain Email Massacre and Paralegal Activity, plus more dad-joke level nonsense that made us cackle. We riff, drum-roll, and crown a numero uno least-scary winner (not gonna spoil that mic-drop here). Short, loud, and silly — we’re basically doing morning cardio for your funny bone.
Transcript
It tasted, you know, less than a week away from Halloween.
Speaker A:People getting into the scary movie mindset.
Speaker A:And scary movies have been around almost as long as movies.
Speaker A: Back in: Speaker A:And apparently audiences went, this new motion picture technology is incredible.
Speaker A:Could you use it to traumatize us?
Speaker A:And we've been perfecting that ever since.
Speaker A:First it was Dracula, Frankenstein, Nosferatu.
Speaker A:Then we discovered something even scarier than monsters, people.
Speaker A:You had Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween.
Speaker A:Then the demons showed up.
Speaker A:The Exorcist Freddy starts killing you in your dreams.
Speaker A:And then Blair Witch convinced everybody that somebody just found a camcorder in the woods.
Speaker A:Then Saw came along, which is my all time favorite scary movie.
Speaker A:What if getting murdered also required solving puzzles?
Speaker A:Horror has now evolved to the point where sometimes you watch a horror movie and nothing happens for 45 minutes.
Speaker A:And the nothing is worse than anything else.
Speaker A:What is the scariest movie ever made?
Speaker A:Somebody try to actually measure it.
Speaker A:They strapped heart monitors onto 250 people, made him watch horror movies.
Speaker A:Which sounds less like research and more like a weird specific form of torture.
Speaker A: But anyway, According to the: Speaker A:It pushed the average heart rate up 34%.
Speaker A:Number two is Host.
Speaker A:And then Skinnamarink.
Speaker A:Insidious.
Speaker A:Insidious.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:And the Conjuring came in at number five.
Speaker A:I'm going to have to go watch all of those.
Speaker A:I've seen none of them.
Speaker A:My favorite part though, the new Resident Evil movie produced the biggest single jump scare that they've ever measured.
Speaker A:And I did go watch it.
Speaker A:It was pretty good.
Speaker A:The jump scare.
Speaker A:134 Beats per minute.
Speaker A:So congratulations filmmakers.
Speaker A:We've spent 130 years developing motion pictures and we finally perfected the ability to make somebody nearly throw their popcorn through the movie screen.
Speaker A:You know though, some scary movies aren't really.
Speaker A:Aren't really frightening at all when you think about it.
Speaker C:Well, gather round folks.
Speaker C:It's the time of day when we laugh and smile in a light hearted way.
Speaker C:Tune in for the giggles and let's kick back.
Speaker C:Here comes the fun.
Speaker C:It's the morning six pack.
Speaker A:This is the top six least scary horror movies.
Speaker A:Totally real movie titles.
Speaker A:Not silly punny ones that I've made up or anything like that.
Speaker B:Coming in at number six, the Salvation army of Darkness.
Speaker B:Number five, the Texas Chain Email Massacre.
Speaker B:Number four, Night of the Living Grateful Dead.
Speaker B:Number three, Phantom of the Oprah.
Speaker B:Number two, I know what you Snapchatted last Summer.
Speaker B:And the number one least snap scary horror movie of all time is, of course, Children of the Organic Non GMO Corn.
Speaker A:What is this?
Speaker B:I did it already.
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:Why are you doing the drum roll thing again?
Speaker B:In the I guess we're gonna have to do another six pack.
Speaker B:I guess we're gonna do a half.
Speaker A:Case of silly movies.
Speaker B:Number six.
Speaker B:Number six, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. T. Number five, paralegal activity.
Speaker B:Number four, invasion of the dad bod, Snatchers.
Speaker B:Number three, migraine on Elm Street.
Speaker B:Number two, the Ambianville Horror.
Speaker B:And the number one, the number one least scary movie of all time according to this second morning Six pack, Dawn.
Speaker A:Of the Dead Poet Society.
