Episode 474
Morning 6-Pack - Six Half-Baked Lines I’d Try If a Cop Pulled Me Over
AAA says 79% of American drivers admit they speed — yep, almost everyone’s guilty and I ain’t pointing fingers (except maybe at i49). I fire up the Morning 6-Pack and count down my top six tongue-in-cheek excuses to try and wiggle out of a speeding ticket. We toss out classics like “I just ate lettuce from Taco Bell” and the charmingly honest “the sooner I’m off the road the safer we all are,” plus stuff about preseason football and not being able to see the speed limit. It’s fast, silly, and sarcastic — exactly how we like our mornings. I’m keeping the number-one excuse a surprise though, so you gotta listen to hear the mic-drop line.
Takeaways:
- I mention AAA says 79% of Americans admit to speeding, which sounds wild but true.
- We joke that everyone treats I-49 like Talladega, even if around here it's closer to eight percent.
- I point out how people rationalize speeding — passing slower drivers, getting there faster, or 'respecting' traffic flow.
- We soberly note NHTSA warns speeding is a factor in nearly thirty percent of traffic fatalities, which is scary.
- I roast my own top six ridiculous speeding excuses on air, and I save the best punchline for last.
Transcript
What's going on?
Speaker A:It is Haystack.
Speaker A:And Triple A has a new study out, says that 79% of American drivers admit that they speed.
Speaker A:79%.
Speaker A:That's a pretty good chunk.
Speaker A:That means almost everybody that complains about reckless drivers on the way to work also out there treating i49 like the final lap at Talladega.
Speaker A:Although, to be fair, my experiences on 49 says that it's nowhere near 80% of Americans.
Speaker A:So speeding around here, it's 8%, maybe, but the reasons are kind of honest.
Speaker A:In this survey, 31% of people say that they speed to get around slower drivers.
Speaker A:25% Say they're doing it to get there faster.
Speaker A:21%, This is my favorite say they do it to avoid holding up traffic.
Speaker A:I'm not speeding for me.
Speaker A:I. I'm speeding for the community.
Speaker A:Americans have created this beautiful moral loophole where speeding is bad when other people do it, but when we do it, it's to respect the flow of traffic.
Speaker A:And a lot of drivers say that going 10 over is acceptable.
Speaker A:I knew a state trooper once said, nine, you're fine, and ten, you're mine.
Speaker A:Although I won't promise that they all abide by that.
Speaker A:Nearly half of those surveyed say that keeping up with traffic is safer than obeying the posted speed limit.
Speaker A:Which I guess could technically be true sometimes, but it.
Speaker A:But it means that we've collectively, collectively decided the speed limit is not a law.
Speaker A:It's more of a suggestion.
Speaker A:But here's a scary stat from the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration.
Speaker A:Speeding is a factor in nearly 30% of traffic fatalities.
Speaker A:Nearly 30%.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So, yeah, sometimes the slow driver in front of you is annoying, but sometimes, maybe, just, just maybe, they're not the problem.
Speaker A:The problem is all of us out there thinking that we're on the qualifying lap for Talladega.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker A:But if you do mess around and get caught, maybe you should try something.
Speaker A:From my list of the top six excuses to get you out of any speeding ticket, best way to start your day, These six jokes.
Speaker A:He's about to say, listen up.
Speaker A:For old Haystack, crack open the morning six pack.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:These are the top six excuses to get you out of any speeding ticket.
Speaker A:Number six.
Speaker A:I just ate lettuce from Taco Bell.
Speaker A:Number five.
Speaker A:Since I'm drunk, the sooner I'm off the road, the less danger I am to everybody else.
Speaker A:Number four.
Speaker A:This is as close as I will ever get to doing 69.
Speaker A:Number three.
Speaker A:Duh.
Speaker A:I cannot miss a second of preseason football.
Speaker A:Number two.
Speaker A:I'm sorry.
Speaker A:I was going too fast to see the speed limit.
Speaker A:And the number one excuse that'll get you out of any speeding ticket?
Speaker A:I was demonstrating to my teenager what not to do.
Speaker A:And the last time I checked, being a good parent is not illegal.
