Episode 595
Morning 6-Pack - 6 Signs You’re Definitely Not Cut Out for the Military
We’re counting down the Morning 6-Pack: the top six signs you’re not cut out for the military. First off, we take a quiet second to salute veterans — it’s Veterans Day, after all — then I launch into the nonsense. If you’ve got a Bernie Sanders sticker on a Volvo or the only captain you follow is Captain Crunch, you might wanna sit this one out. Maybe guns make you cry, or you think mastering Call of Duty means you’ve got basic training handled — that’s totally on the list. Tune in for fast jokes, dumb observations, and the kind of banter that’ll make you laugh and maybe question your survival skills in boot camp.
Takeaways:
- I kick off by honoring Veterans Day and thanking volunteers who chose to serve since 1973.
- We hear raw Vietnam recollections—Higgins boats, distant explosions, concussion grenades, and orders to hold bridges.
- I roast the clueless wannabes with a quick Morning 6-Pack: Bernie sticker, Captain Crunch, popcorn panic, Call of Duty joke.
- We playfully point out that guns making you cry and jumping at popcorn are definite red flags for military life.
- I end with sincere gratitude for veterans' sacrifices while keeping the countdown funny and light-hearted.
Transcript
Coast to coast, on this Veterans Day, we're remembering the sacrifices of U.S. service members.
Speaker B:I was involved in Vietnam when we first arrived.
Speaker B:We could see the explosions off in the distance.
Speaker C:The 8th Marine Regiment, 2nd Division, no longer had any of these Amtraks.
Speaker C:They had to go in and get out on the Higgins boats that weighed 500 yards to the shore.
Speaker D:Concussion grenades knocked me out, and I was unconscious for quite a while.
Speaker E:Then they threw another grenade in, and this one knocked me down.
Speaker F:We were ordered to take that bridge, to hold it, whatever the cost was.
Speaker G:Today, Veterans Day, as we do every year, we take that moment to embrace the gentle heroes of Vietnam and of all our wars.
Speaker H:We are, of course, recognizing and thanking the men and women who served our nation's armed forces on this Veterans Day.
Speaker H: This holiday dates back to: Speaker H: and it became Veterans Day in: Speaker H:And there's something about our military today that I think is particularly remarkable to remember.
Speaker H:Every single person serving in our armed forces at this point volunteered to be there.
Speaker H:Now, of course, that wasn't always the case.
Speaker H:There were.
Speaker H:There were millions drafted during World War II, and we continued the draft through Vietnam.
Speaker H: But since: Speaker H:And you think about that.
Speaker H:Men and women who voluntarily accept the possibility of being sent halfway around the world, putting themselves in danger, sacrificing months, sacrificing years with their families, all for the sake of their country.
Speaker H:An extraordinary commitment.
Speaker H:And I'll tell you something else.
Speaker H:Not everyone is cut out for it.
Speaker H:I mean, I have so much respect for military discipline.
Speaker H:I just don't think I could handle someone screaming at me to get out of bed at 4 in the morning.
Speaker H:I mean, at 4 in the morning, I don't want somebody to speak to me in a pleasant tone.
Speaker H:And I'm fairly certain that I would last about eight minutes in boot camp.
Speaker H:Drop and give me 20.
Speaker H:What?
Speaker H:$20.
Speaker H:That's negotiable.
Speaker H:Seriously, though, to every veteran listening, listening this morning, thank you for your courage, your service, your willingness to do something many of us could not, and happy Veterans Day.
Speaker H:But as I said, it is a calling that is not for everyone.
Speaker H:So this morning, we are going to examine the top six signs that you're not cut out for the military.
Speaker C:Well, gather round, folks.
Speaker C:It's the time of day when we laugh and smile in a light hearted way.
Speaker C:Tune in for the giggles and let's kick back.
Speaker C:Here comes the fun.
Speaker C:It's the morning six pack.
Speaker H:Here we go.
Speaker H:The top six signs you are not cut out for the military.
Speaker H:Number six, that Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on your Volvo.
Speaker H:Number five, the only captain you faithfully serve is Captain Crunch.
Speaker H:Number four, guns make you cry, as do knives and boots and canteens and the color green.
Speaker H:Basically, I'm saying you're a wuss.
Speaker H:Number three, you jump three feet in the air when the last microwavable popcorn kernel pops.
Speaker H:Number two, you just don't see the point since you've already mastered Call of Duty.
Speaker H:And the number one sign that you are absolutely not cut out for the military.
Speaker H:You've already got a Purple Heart thanks to clogged arteries.
