Episode 543
Alabama Bama - Bring on the Plague, I Dare Ya
The plague's getting loose and I pick up the phone like a sucker — Bama's already sure she's basically bulletproof. She walks me through her summer of medical miracles: scurvy from an all-White Claw diet, a ringworm shaped exactly like Florida, and an "internal parasite" she picked up at what she insists felt like a swim-up bar (turns out it was a flooded Waffle House). We try to figure out how any of that equals immunity and, predictably, the conversation goes gloriously off the rails. It's equal parts gross, ridiculous, and somehow deeply believable, with Bama's confidence only getting louder as the evidence gets stranger. Stick around — this one escalates quick and you'll be glad you weren't the one who answered that call.
Takeaways:
- I answered Bama's call and she swore the plague had better watch out—she's 'bulletproof' after her summer mishaps.
- I listened as Bama confessed she got scurvy from an all-White Claw diet, then ringworm in the shape of Florida, and somehow lived to tell it.
- We debated whether a flooded Waffle House counts as a 'swim up bar' after Bama described catching an internal parasite there.
- I tried to gently explain how immunity actually works while Bama proudly catalogued scurvy, ringworm, and parasites as proof she's untouchable.
- She signed off saying her parasite likes biscuits and gravy, and honestly I'm still not sure who I'm supposed to be worried about.
Transcript
Good morning, it's Haystack.
Speaker A:Essentially my favorite time of the week when I get to chat with my dear old friend Bama down in rural Alabama and gonna try to get her thoughts on all this plague stuff getting loose.
Speaker A:Bama joins us on the phone now.
Speaker A:And I'm sure you've seen in the news there's been stories about the plague getting loose and people are a little bit freaked out.
Speaker B:Well, you know, everybody's done got their pennies all up in a wad.
Speaker B:Cause the plague done got loose.
Speaker B:Big whoop de doo.
Speaker B:I have had so much crap lately.
Speaker B:I'm pretty sure I'm am.
Speaker A:Well, now, Bama, I don't think that's really how immunity works.
Speaker B:Oh, shoot, Haystack, just look at my summer.
Speaker B:Back in July, I got scurvy from my all white claw diet.
Speaker A:Wait, you got scurvy?
Speaker B:Yeah, it turns out natural lime flavor ain't got no vitamin C in it.
Speaker A:Well, now I feel like there were several warning signs before you reached level scurvy.
Speaker B:Well, nobody puts the important stuff on the box, Haystack.
Speaker A:Okay, all right.
Speaker A:Sure enough.
Speaker A:Whatever.
Speaker A:So that was back in July.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then in August, I got the ringworm in the shape of Florida, which I survived.
Speaker A:Wait a minute.
Speaker A:In the shape of Florida?
Speaker B:Yeah, it was.
Speaker B:It even had that little dangly part down at the bottom.
Speaker A:The Florida Keys.
Speaker B:Well, I didn't name them, Haystack.
Speaker B:I just put cream on them.
Speaker A:I regret asking.
Speaker A:Okay, then what happened in September?
Speaker B:Well, yeah.
Speaker B:Then just a few weeks ago, I got an internal parasite at a swim up bar.
Speaker A:Oh, Bama.
Speaker B:Well, it wasn't technically swim up bar, Bama.
Speaker A:Now why do I feel like that's an important distinction?
Speaker B:The Waffle House had just flooded.
Speaker A:That is not a swim up bar.
Speaker B:Well, hey, Stack.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:It felt like one though.
Speaker B:Water was waist deep and Brenda was still a making hash browns.
Speaker A:You ate at a flooded Waffle House?
Speaker B:Well, they was still open.
Speaker A:Well, apparently so was the parasite buffet.
Speaker B:You see, scurvy and ringworm parasites.
Speaker B:I'm basically bulletproof.
Speaker B:Now that plague gets inside me, it better worry about what it's gonna catch.
Speaker A:Bama, that's.
Speaker A:That's gotta be the most disturbing argument for immunity I've ever heard.
Speaker B:All right, y', all, I needs to go.
Speaker B:I ain't had breakfast yet.
Speaker B:My parasite is hungry now.
Speaker A:Please don't feed the parasite.
Speaker B:It's too late.
Speaker B:He likes biscuits and gravy.
Speaker A:Yeah, of course he does.
Speaker B:See y' all later.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker B:Bye.
