Episode 578
Morning 6-Pack - 6 Totally Legit Reasons To Hate Halloween
We count down six very specific reasons to absolutely hate Halloween — and yeah, we’re being delightfully petty about it. I rant about the candy-buying roulette, pumpkin-carving disasters, costume agony, and how society basically shames you for not loving spooky season. We trade quick zingers, fake outrage, and way too many candy corn jokes. It’s the Morning 6-Pack energy: fast, sarcastic, and just mean enough to be funny. Stay tuned — I save the top reason for last, so don’t bail early.
Takeaways:
- I love Halloween, but I get why some folks legitimately hate it — it can be messy, stressful, and basically feels like a mandatory social chore.
- I rant about trick-or-treat chaos: how much candy to buy, the dread of running out early, or sitting with the porch light on and zero kids showing up.
- Pumpkin carving is a trap — two hours, pumpkin guts everywhere, a broken plastic saw, then rot; plus costumes cost too much and usually itch.
- We roast the yearly 'sexy costume' argument and the guilt-trip people get if they don't dress up, while defending low-key pizza-and-couch Halloween nights.
- Our Morning 6-Pack drops six specific, silly reasons to hate Halloween — from kids hoarding KitKats to awkward costume-compliment fails — and yeah, I won't spoil the top punchline.
Transcript
It's haystack.
Speaker A:And of course, Halloween is coming up on Saturday.
Speaker A:And I know a lot of people are very, very excited.
Speaker A:A lot of people absolutely love Halloween.
Speaker A:The candy, the costumes, the haunted houses, the decorations.
Speaker A:But there are, believe it or not, people who absolutely hate Halloween.
Speaker A:And I'm not, I'm not talking about people who say object to it for religious reasons.
Speaker A:I'm talking about people who look at the entire thing and think, why are we doing this?
Speaker A:There was an article online assembled across called eight Completely Valid Reasons People Hate Halloween.
Speaker A:And I've got to admit, some of them make a pretty good case.
Speaker A:First of all, trick or treating can be stressful.
Speaker A:You gotta buy.
Speaker A:And I'm talking about providing trick or treating.
Speaker A:You gotta buy candy.
Speaker A:How much candy?
Speaker A:Eh, nobody knows.
Speaker A:You buy too little and you're the cheapskate who runs out at 7:15.
Speaker A:You buy too much and you're stuck with a hundred bucks worth of candy that you gotta pretend you don't want to eat.
Speaker A:And if you don't get any, trick or treaters.
Speaker A:You have sat there for hours and hours with a light on waiting for kids who never come.
Speaker A:You've been stood up by Spider Man.
Speaker A:And then there's the whole pumpkin carving thing.
Speaker A:You see these beautiful jack o lanterns online, these elaborate designs, these realistic faces, and you think, I can do that.
Speaker A:And an hour later, you're elbow deep in pumpkin guts and the little plastic saw is broken.
Speaker A:Your pumpkin looks like it lost a bar fight.
Speaker A:And then it starts rotting.
Speaker A:So you've essentially spent two hours creating garbage with a face.
Speaker A:And then the other side of the candy stuff, some people just don't like candy at all.
Speaker A:I don't really agree with this guy.
Speaker A:I mean, he, he says he hates candy altogether, but I'll, I'll give him candy corn.
Speaker A:What's that?
Speaker A:Candy corn is what happens when somebody makes a candle and then accidentally calls it food.
Speaker A:And then there's the costumes.
Speaker A:You spend 80, 100 bucks on something you're gonna wear one time, it never looks like the picture.
Speaker A:I mean the picture, the picture showed this handsome pirate captain.
Speaker A:I put it on and I looked like a substitute teacher who got arrested on a cruise ship.
Speaker A:And you gotta wear the thing all night.
Speaker A:And a lot of the costumes are hot and they itch and you can't even sit down properly.
Speaker A:Sometimes you need help just going to the restroom.
Speaker A:Then somebody expects you to dance in this thing.
Speaker A:What?
Speaker A:And speaking of the parties, every Halloween, there's the parties.
Speaker A:Somebody invites you to a costume party so now you got to do homework.
Speaker A:You got to come up with an idea and buy a costume.
Speaker A:Drive across town and walk into somebody's house dressed like a giant hot dog and spend two hours explaining to people who have never seen a hot dog that you're a hot dog.
Speaker A:And speaking of costumes, every year it feels like we have the argument about sexy costumes.
Speaker A:Are they empowering?
Speaker A:Are they inappropriate?
Speaker A:Should people wear them?
Speaker A:Look, can we not just let people dress however they want to for one night here and just get through October without having a congressional hearing about a sexy nurse?
Speaker A:And some people hate scary movies, believe it or not.
Speaker A:But my favorite reason for people to hate Halloween in this article is the best reason of all.
Speaker A:And that's you're not allowed to dislike Halloween.
Speaker A:Society says something's wrong with you if you dislike Halloween.
Speaker A:If you don't dress up, people say, what's wrong with you?
Speaker A:You're not wearing a costume?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Why not?
Speaker A:Because I'm 45 years old and I don't want to spend my Friday night dressed like a minion.
Speaker A:And somebody said, oh, come on, have fun.
Speaker A:Maybe I am having fun.
Speaker A:Maybe my idea of fun involves sitting on a couch, eating the candy that I bought for trick or treaters and watching something that does not involved a masked murderer.
Speaker A:I mean, I get that Halloween is supposed to be fun for, for some adults, though, it's become this huge obligation.
Speaker A:You got to decorate the house, buy the candy, plant a costume, attend the party, entertain the children, take everything down before Christmas decorations go up.
Speaker A:Now, I love Halloween.
Speaker A:I don't do the costume thing, but I love Halloween.
Speaker A:But if your idea of celebrating is turning off the porch light and ordering a pizza and ignoring the doorbell, you've got a right to do that.
Speaker A:And again, this article talked about some reasons why people hate Halloween.
Speaker A:But I can think of at least six more very specific reasons for you to hate Halloween.
Speaker B:Well, gather round, folks.
Speaker B:It's the time of day when we laugh and smile in a light hearted way.
Speaker B:Tune in for the giggles and let's kick back.
Speaker B:Here comes the fun.
Speaker B:It's the morning six pack.
Speaker A:All right, this is gonna be the top six reasons for somebody to absolutely hate Halloween.
Speaker A:We're trying to shoot for very specific reasons here.
Speaker A:All right, coming in at number six.
Speaker A:As a Republican, you've always taught your kids that redistribution of wealth is bad.
Speaker A:And then they say, yeah, no, you can't have any of our KitKats.
Speaker A:Number five, when you run out of candy, snotty trick or treaters refuse to accept your expired heart medications.
Speaker A:Number four, it's too much trouble these days to make sure your costume can't possibly offend anyone.
Speaker A:Three, Jack O lanterns remind you too much of the president.
Speaker A:Number two, that time you complimented a kid's mom for dressing his Jabba the Hutt, and she was like, I'm not wearing a costume.
Speaker A:And the number one totally legitimate reason for you to absolutely hate Halloween.
Speaker A:You prefer a real holiday, like Arbor.
Speaker A:Dad, plant the tree.
