Episode 565
Alabama Bama - SpaceX Stock
I pick up the phone and Bama's already plotting to invent kids so she can snag hypothetical SpaceX stock from Elon Musk. I try to talk sense into her, but she’s proud of having “invented fathers” for years and thinks rocket shares are just fancy Monopoly money. We fumble through the whole “stock vs. stock” joke — she once bought 14 cans of chicken broth instead of shares — and the self-checkout is apparently witchcraft. She says she’d use the windfall to buy back her pontoon and get matching “I knew you were my mama” T‑shirts for her real kids, while the imaginary ones get nada. Then, in classic Bama fashion, she casually announces she’s gonna Google how to falsify a birth certificate for a kid that don’t exist; I say that’s a felony, she says “Ka ching,” and somehow we both hang up laughing.
Takeaways:
- I nearly lost my cool hearing Bama brag she'd invent kids to snag hypothetical SpaceX stock.
- We laughed when Bama mixed up 'stock' meanings and came home with fourteen cans of chicken broth instead of shares.
- I warned her falsifying birth certificates is a felony, but Bama shrugged 'Ka ching' and said she'd Google it anyway.
- I got kinda soft hearing Bama say she'd buy back her pontoon and get matching 'I knew you were my mama' shirts.
- I realized Bama barely understands the Walmart self-checkout, so teaching her how stocks work would be chaotic and hilarious.
Transcript
Good morning.
Speaker A:It's Haystack.
Speaker A:It's time for what's essentially my favorite time of the week when I get to chat with my long lost friend Bama, who moved down to rural Alabama.
Speaker A:And Bama, did you hear about this whole idea where Elon Musk might give every child in America some stock in SpaceX?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, I sure did, Haystack.
Speaker B:And first of all, it is about dadgum time that somebody start paying me for having kids.
Speaker A:Well, now, Bama, it's not exactly a cash payment.
Speaker B:Oh, shoot.
Speaker B:I spent most of my life denying that I had any kids, and now I gotta commit fraud pretending I got more.
Speaker A:Now wait a minute.
Speaker A:How.
Speaker A:How many kids do you actually have?
Speaker B:Well, you're asking legally, emotionally, or biologically?
Speaker A:Why would those be three different numbers?
Speaker B:It just depends on who's asking and whether or not they're wearing a badge, Haystack.
Speaker A:Bama, you can't just invent children to get stock.
Speaker B:Well, why not?
Speaker B:I've been inventing fathers for them for years.
Speaker A:Oh, good grief.
Speaker B:I mean, think about it.
Speaker B:It's like child support without the awkward custody exchange in a Dollar General parking lot.
Speaker A:Now, I'm not sure how this program would work, Bama.
Speaker B:I do wish old Leon Musk would just give us cash instead.
Speaker A:It's Elon Musk.
Speaker B:Whatever.
Speaker B:Last time I checked, you can't buy no new parts with Rocket shares.
Speaker A:Well, theore likely if the shares go up in value, I guess you could sell them.
Speaker B:Oh, so now I gotta learn the stock market.
Speaker B:Hey, Stack, I barely understand the self checkout at the Walmart.
Speaker B:Last time I tried to buy stock, I came home with 14 cans of chicken broth.
Speaker A:Bama, that's a different kind of stock.
Speaker B:Well, at least I could trade that in for cigarettes.
Speaker A:So what is it that you're planning to do with your imaginary SpaceX fortune?
Speaker B:Well, first thing I'm gonna do is buy back my pontoon boat from that repo man.
Speaker B:And then I'm getting all my real kids matching T shirts that says, I knew you were my mama.
Speaker A:Aw, that's actually kind of sweet.
Speaker B:Yeah, and the imaginary ones ain't getting nothing cause they ain't earned it.
Speaker A:Well, of course not.
Speaker B:All right, sugars, I gotta go.
Speaker B:I gotta Google how to falsify a birth certificate for a child that don't exist.
Speaker A:Bama, that's a felony.
Speaker B:Ka ching.
Speaker B:See you later.
Speaker B:Bye bye.
