Episode 470
Alabama Bama - Mourning Dolly With Pancake Syrup, Teased Hair & Compression Socks
I pick up the phone and Bama immediately tells me she basically inspired Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” — yep, she said that out loud. She’s a mess of grief and glitter: teased hair, rhinestones on her compression socks, pancake syrup poured on things, and a heartfelt wig‑store anecdote about Dolly scribbling in a notebook while Bama was on work release. The call slides from sincere Dolly appreciation into full Bama chaos — compliments on Marlboro Miles bottle‑opener earrings, claims of songwriting influence, and plans to get a giant Dolly portrait tattoo (with rhinestones, angel wings, and a white tiger) before her Groupon expires. I’m equal parts proud, baffled, and mildly concerned for my legal exposure, but we laugh, reminisce, and let Bama ramble like only she can while paying Dolly the weirdest, sweetest tribute imaginable.
Takeaways:
- I called Bama, we cried and laughed over Dolly, and she poured pancake syrup on everything to mourn.
- Bama swears she met Dolly during work release at a discount wig wholesaler and totally charmed her.
- She jokingly claims to have inspired '9 to 5' after complaining about nine-to-five life while Dolly wrote notes.
- True Bama energy: rhinestones on compression socks, syrup rituals, tattoo plans of Dolly riding a white tiger.
- We kept it goofy and heartfelt—Dolly made us laugh and cry, and Bama honored her loud and proud.
Transcript
Good morning.
Speaker A:It's Haystack.
Speaker A:It's time for what normally is my favorite time of the week.
Speaker A:I'm not too sure about this morning, to be honest with you.
Speaker A:We're gonna.
Speaker A:We're gonna chat with Alabama Bama here in a moment.
Speaker A:I'm afraid she's gonna be in pretty rough shape.
Speaker A:Let's.
Speaker A:Let's get her on the phone here.
Speaker A:Bama, gotta be honest, I almost didn't know whether to call you this morning.
Speaker B:Yeah, I know.
Speaker A:Haystack, I'm sure you heard about Dolly.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, of course I did.
Speaker A:How are you holding up?
Speaker B:Well, hey, Stack, I'm.
Speaker B:I'm tore up worse than a dollar tree flip flop in a gravel driveway.
Speaker A:Hell, I figured you might take this one pretty hard.
Speaker B:Hard?
Speaker B:Dolly Parton was my hero.
Speaker B:That woman was everything I aspire to be.
Speaker B:Big hair, tiny waist, rhinestones, questionable amounts of cosmetic enhancements.
Speaker B:Yeah, except for, you know, she had talent and money and a clean criminal record.
Speaker A:So she was almost exactly like you.
Speaker B:Yeah, except for them three little details.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:You know, everybody's sharing their favorite Dolly quotes.
Speaker A:And she sure had some great ones.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker B:Hey, Stack, Dolly could say some crap, honey.
Speaker A:One of my favorites was it costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:That woman understood me.
Speaker A:Ah, so you identify with that quote.
Speaker B:Well, in my case, it cost about $17.43 to look this cheap, but the philosophy is the same.
Speaker A:Oh, you're doing Dolly on a budget.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Dollar General.
Speaker B:Dolly, baby, Dolly General.
Speaker B:She grew up one of 12 kids in that little cabin in Tennessee.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Very humble beginnings.
Speaker B:Dirt poor.
Speaker B:And then she goes from that to being Dolly Parton.
Speaker A:He's pretty incredible.
Speaker B:Shoot, I grew up poor too, but Instead of writing 3,000 songs, I mostly learned how to get HBO with a coat hanger.
Speaker A:Completely different skill set.
Speaker B:3,000 Songs.
Speaker B:Hey, Stack.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, about 3,000 songs.
Speaker A:Roughly.
Speaker B:Yeah, I ain't written 3,000 or nothing unless bounced checks count.
Speaker A:No, I don't.
Speaker A:I don't think that counts, Bama.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:I don't think that counts.
Speaker A:One of the other good ones was you'll never do a whole lot unless you're brave enough to try.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah, and that is exactly what I told the judge after I attempted to jump a drainage ditch in a Cutlass Supreme.
Speaker A:Now I don't think Dolly meant it that way.
Speaker B:Inspiration is personal, Haystack.
Speaker A:All right, fair enough.
Speaker B:Dolly also said, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Speaker A:Yeah, that was a good one.
Speaker B:Oh, it's beautiful.
Speaker B:Although the last rainbow I seen was after Varna sprayed the garden hose across an extension cord.
Speaker B:So I personally maintain a healthy distrust.
Speaker B:Both rainbows and electricity.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's probably a.
Speaker A:Probably a good idea.
Speaker A:Probably wise in your case, Mama.
Speaker B:You know what I loved about Dolly, though?
Speaker A:What's that?
Speaker B:Everybody saw all the hair and all the boobs and all the sparkly clothes and thought, well, ain't she cute?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Meanwhile she's over there writing songs and making movies, building Dollywood, making millions, giving books to the little kids.
Speaker A:Yeah, she sure was a remarkable businesswoman and philanthropist.
Speaker B:That's what I'm a sayin'.
Speaker B:Dolly could walk into a room looking like the grand marshal of a rhinestone parade and leaving owning the damn building.
Speaker A:Wow, that's.
Speaker A:That's a pretty good description.
Speaker B:I mean, she made being an underestimated look like a competitive advantage.
Speaker A:Dad gum, Bama.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's surprisingly insightful.
Speaker B:Well, don't sound so shocked, jackass.
Speaker A:There she is.
Speaker A:There she is.
Speaker B:Well, I. I may have spent the better part of four decades chemically tanned and occasionally court supervised, but I know greatness when I see it.
Speaker A:Now, did you ever actually get to meet Dolly?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker A:Really?
Speaker B:Yeah, I did.
Speaker B:Back in 19.
Speaker B:That was the late 70s in Nashville.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:I was doing work release at a discount wig wholesaler.
Speaker A:Oh no.
Speaker A:Suddenly I don't believe this story.
Speaker B:Let me finish.
Speaker A:Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker B:I'm standing behind the counter one afternoon a smoking of Virginia Slim and trying to get nail glue off a mannequin head, as one does when through the door walks Dolly freakin Parton.
Speaker A:So Dolly Parton came into your discount wig store?
Speaker B:That's what I said.
Speaker B:I knew it was her immediately cause her hair entered the building about four seconds for the rest of her did.
Speaker A:Okay, sure.
Speaker B:And Haystack, she was nice.
Speaker A:Now that part I believe.
Speaker B:Sweet as pie.
Speaker B:She talked to everybody, asked me my name, told me she liked my earrings.
Speaker A:What kind of, what kind of earrings did you have on?
Speaker B:They were Marlboro Miles bottle openers.
Speaker B:Of course she did, but she complimented them.
Speaker B:That's Dolly.
Speaker B:She could find something nice to say about anybody.
Speaker A:Okay, so what happened next?
Speaker B:Well, I was having a bad day.
Speaker B:Work release had me there from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon.
Speaker B:And I hated every second of it.
Speaker A:Uh huh.
Speaker B:So Dolly asks me, says, how are you doing, honey?
Speaker B:And I said, Dolly, this working 9 to 5 crap is a killing me.
Speaker A:Oh, come on.
Speaker B:Her eyes got real big, Bama.
Speaker B:She reached into that Big old purse, pulled out a little notebook and wrote something down.
Speaker A:Bama, you're claiming.
Speaker B:I am not saying I wrote nine to five.
Speaker A:Okay, good.
Speaker B:I'm just saying Dolly hadn't written it before she met me.
Speaker A:Oh, brother.
Speaker B:And then later she did.
Speaker A:So this is your tribute to Dolly Parton?
Speaker A:Taking songwriting credit?
Speaker B:No, I don't want no money.
Speaker B:I just think history deserves to know that the song may have been inspired by one courageous woman's refusal to embrace gainful employment.
Speaker A:I guarantee that is not what happened.
Speaker B:Well, now, you weren't there.
Speaker A:Well, neither were you, probably.
Speaker B:I was there in spirit.
Speaker A:There.
Speaker A:There it is.
Speaker B:And you know, probably the best part about Dolly is she'd never acted ashamed of where she come from.
Speaker B:Just a poor little country girl with big dreams and bigger hair.
Speaker B:She didn't turn herself into what everybody thought she ought to be.
Speaker A:No, no, she definitely did not.
Speaker B:She just became more Dolly.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:You know, that always meant something to me.
Speaker A:Even with all the jokes?
Speaker B:Well, especially with the jokes.
Speaker B:You know, Dolly could laugh at herself without ever making herself small.
Speaker A:You know, that is a pretty rare quality.
Speaker B:She knew exactly who she was.
Speaker A:Yes, she did.
Speaker B:And she seemed like the kind of person who wanted everybody else to feel okay being exactly who they were, too.
Speaker A:That's a big part of why people loved her.
Speaker B:But, you know, I don't think Dolly would want everybody a sitting around looking miserable.
Speaker A:Probably not.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:I'm gonna try to mourn the way Dolly would have wanted.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:How's that?
Speaker B:Well, I teased my hair 6 inches higher this morning, put rhinestones on my compression socks, and I poured pancake syrup over everything I could find.
Speaker B:Now I'm a listening to my favorite Dolly songs.
Speaker A:Which.
Speaker A:Which Dolly is.
Speaker A:Which Dolly song is your favorite?
Speaker A:Bama.
Speaker B:Oh, Haystack.
Speaker B:Got a big coat of many colors.
Speaker B:Lord, that one gets to me.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:My mama made me a coat once, too.
Speaker A:Really?
Speaker B:Out of Crown Royal bags.
Speaker A:Well, that tracks.
Speaker B:Purple velvet, gold drawstrings.
Speaker B:Everybody at school made fun of it till they realized each pocket could hold two Little Debbie's.
Speaker A:Then.
Speaker A:Then suddenly you were popular.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Dolly taught us not to judge people.
Speaker B:And she figured out something that most people never figure out.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah?
Speaker A:What's that?
Speaker B:That you can be ridiculous without being a joke.
Speaker B:You can wear rhinestones and still be serious.
Speaker B:You can make people laugh and still make them cry.
Speaker B:You can come from nothing and give a whole bunch back.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's for sure.
Speaker B:And you can have enough hair to interfere with local radar and still be the smartest person in the room.
Speaker A:There's the Bama Wisdom I was waiting on.
Speaker B:I. I really am gonna miss her, buddy.
Speaker A:Yeah, hon.
Speaker A:We all are.
Speaker A:We all are.
Speaker A:Is there anything else you want to say before we get out of here?
Speaker B:Just thank you, Dolly.
Speaker B:Thank you for the songs, thank you for the laughs.
Speaker B:Thank you for showing a bunch of country women that you don't have to tone yourself down just because somebody else thinks that you're too much.
Speaker B:And thank you for 9 to 5, which, as we have established, I co.
Speaker A:Wrote, we have established no such thing.
Speaker B:Speaking of memories, I. I gotta go.
Speaker B:I'm heading down to the tattoo shop.
Speaker A:Oh, you're gonna get a dolly tattoo?
Speaker B:Oh, you bet.
Speaker B:Big old dolly portrait right up on my shoulder.
Speaker B:I told the guy I wanted her in rhinestones, holding a guitar with angel wings.
Speaker A:Oh, that sounds nice.
Speaker B:And riding a white tiger through the gates of Dollywood.
Speaker A:Oh, and.
Speaker A:And there we go.
Speaker A:And we're back.
Speaker B:Love you, Haystack.
Speaker B:And Dolly, I will always love you, girl.
Speaker A:Rest in peace, Dolly Parting.
Speaker B:Now, I gotta hurry.
Speaker B:The tattoo groupon expires at noon, and apparently angel wings are another two or three hours worth of work.
Speaker B:See y' all later, sugar.
