Episode 575
Alabama Bama - Halloween
Bama's not giving out candy this year — she's making trick-or-treaters rifle through a "front-yard recycling heap" for their Halloween haul. I pick up the phone thinking I'll get a quick yes-or-no on candy, and she launches into a replay of garage-sale rejects: gently used pantyhose, an ankle monitor charger, half a George Foreman, mystery keys, and a framed photo of a fella she swears she "don't remember marrying." I tried to reason with her — reminded her the health department might have words — but she says she just throws a tarp over the pile when the inspector drives by. She even bragged about last year's cordless drill-without-a-battery debacle and wants to spray-paint a CPAP machine into a "Nintendo" because "it blows air and it makes noises." We try to stop her, we fail gloriously, and honestly, you gotta hear Bama deliver the whole thing — it gets weirder and louder as it goes.
Takeaways:
- I couldn't believe Bama's plan to hand out 'recycled' trash instead of candy this Halloween—full of used pantyhose and mystery keys.
- We hear Bama say she won't spend plasma money on candy and instead repurposes junk for trick-or-treaters.
- I winced when she described last year giving a cordless drill without its battery and a screaming parent coming back.
- We learned the health inspector becomes a comedic prop, so Bama covers the stash with a tarp whenever they drive by.
- I had to hold back laughter hearing Bama plan to spray paint a CPAP machine and pass it off as a 'Nintendo' to kids.
Transcript
Good morning, it's Haystack.
Speaker A:It's pretty much my favorite time of the week when we get to chat with my dear long lost friend Bama, who moved down to rural Alabama on me.
Speaker A:And Bama joins us on the phone now.
Speaker A:Bama, Halloween's coming up Saturday.
Speaker A:Do you have your candy ready for the trick or treaters?
Speaker B:Oh, Haystack, I done decided that I ain't wasting none of my plasma donations on money for candy for ungrateful little brats this Halloween.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Well, that's certainly in the Halloween spirit.
Speaker B:Well, do you know how much candy costs these days?
Speaker B:I gotta sit there for 45 minutes with that needle in my arm just to afford a bag of them little bitty snickers.
Speaker A:So you're not gonna hand out anything this year?
Speaker B:Oh, honey, I'm gonna do them one better.
Speaker A:Oh, no, I'm kind of afraid to ask.
Speaker B:Any trick or treater that comes up to my spot's gonna get to pick one item out of the trash heap in my front yard.
Speaker A:Wait a minute.
Speaker A:You're giving children garbage?
Speaker B:It's called recycling, Haystack.
Speaker B:Everybody's always hootin and hollerin about saving the planet.
Speaker B:Well, I'm a doing my part.
Speaker A:Okay, what exactly is in this trash heap?
Speaker B:Oh, I gots it all loose acrylic nails, an ankle monitor charger, gently used pantyhose.
Speaker A:Gently used?
Speaker B:Yeah, gently used.
Speaker B:I only wore em to court twice.
Speaker A:Bama, nobody wants used pantyhose for Halloween.
Speaker B:Well, there's other stuff.
Speaker B:I got half a George Foreman grill and a bag of mystery keys, three remote controls, and a framed picture of a man that I don't really remember marrying.
Speaker A:Oh, goodness, that is quite a selection.
Speaker B:Last year I gave a little boy a cordless drill without the battery and his mama came back a screaming at me.
Speaker A:Well, yeah, I can understand why.
Speaker B:She said it was dangerous.
Speaker B:I told her, lady, it ain't even got no battery in it.
Speaker B:That's the safest drill in America.
Speaker A:Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Speaker A:So the kids just reach into this pile and they take something?
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, it's a Halloween adventure.
Speaker B:Will you get a trick or will you get a treat?
Speaker B:Or maybe tetanus?
Speaker A:I'm pretty sure the health department would have something to say about this.
Speaker B:Yeah, they already did.
Speaker B:That's why I gotta put a tarp over it when the inspector drives by.
Speaker A:Of course you do.
Speaker B:Anyway, sir, I gots to go.
Speaker B:I gotta spray paint this seat pat machine so the kids thinks it's one of them nintenders Mama, you cannot give.
Speaker A:A child a CPAP machine and tell them that it's a Nintendo.
Speaker B:Well, it blows air and it makes noises.
Speaker B:It's close to nuff Bama.
Speaker A:Please, just buy some candy.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker B:Bye, sugar.
Speaker B:Happy Halloween.
