Episode 491
Alabama Bama - Autumn Tastes Like a Divorce Behind a Dollar General
I pick up the phone and Bama’s absolutely gutted that summer’s over — so of course she’s invented pumpkin spice Menthols as a coping mechanism. She’s bragging she finally hit her tan-and-paroled goals and swears she didn’t violate probation once while wearing a swimsuit, which I’m trying very hard not to fact-check. We trade shtick about cozy fall nonsense until she casually drops that she’s unpacking her “haggling tube top” for garage‑sale season — wardrobe = business expense, apparently. She also admits to sprinkling cinnamon on cigarette filters, which I definitely asked to hear but maybe shouldn’t have. It’s classic Bama: escalating weirdness, accidental confessions, and zero shame, and I’m just trying to understand it without becoming legally involved.
Takeaways:
- I'm bummed summer's over; I brag about getting tan and staying 'paroled' all season long.
- We roast fall hard — dead leaves, pale skin, sweater obsessions, and white women decorating with gorts totally don't win me over.
- I invented a weird fall combo: pumpkin spice coffee plus menthols, which I proudly call pumpkin spice Menthols.
- We jokingly admit to sprinkling cinnamon on cigarette filters and other questionable seasonal hacks that probably shouldn't exist.
- I'm gearing up for garage sale season, using a 'haggling tube top' like it's a totally valid business expense.
Transcript
Good morning.
Speaker A:It's Haystack.
Speaker A:It is time for what's essentially my favorite time of the week when we chat with my dear old friend Bama down in rural Alabama.
Speaker A:And Bama joins us on the phone now.
Speaker A:And you know, Bama, as we're a couple of days past Labor Day, summer's pretty much over.
Speaker A:I mean, it's still warm for another week or two, but summer's pretty much done.
Speaker A:Are you ready for the fall?
Speaker B:Oh, hey, Stack.
Speaker B:I am so sad.
Speaker B:I mean, I am sad as crap that the summer is done.
Speaker B:Gone.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So you're a summer person, huh?
Speaker B:Well, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker B:This was the first summer since 19 and 84 that I was as tan as I wanted to be and as paroled as I wanted to be.
Speaker A:That's a very specific definition of a successful summer.
Speaker B:Well, you gotta set goals, sugar.
Speaker B:June through August, I did not violate probation one single time while wearing a swimsuit.
Speaker A:Oh, no, that qualifier on the end there concerns me.
Speaker B:You know, fall just ain't got nothing for me.
Speaker B:Dead leaves and pale skin and everybody starts wearing sweaters and talking about how cozy everything is.
Speaker A:Bama, a lot of people love the fall.
Speaker B:I just don't trust a season where everything dies and white women started decorating with gorts.
Speaker A:Well, there's pumpkin spice.
Speaker B:Now, that is the one good thing.
Speaker B:I invented my own fall recipe.
Speaker B:Pumpkin spice Menthols.
Speaker A:Oh, no.
Speaker A:Now I'm worried.
Speaker B:Well, you see, you take a swig of pumpkin spice coffee, then you suck on a menthol and you experience a glorious sensation of a cool fall breeze is shooting happy chemicals directly into your bloodstream.
Speaker A:Bama, that's not a recipe.
Speaker A:That's just two addictions working together.
Speaker B:It tastes like autumn got divorced and started hanging out behind a dollar general.
Speaker A:That may be the most Bama description of fall imaginable.
Speaker B:You know, sometimes I sprinkle a little cinnamon on a cigarette filter.
Speaker A:Bama, don't do that.
Speaker A:So what are you doing with yourself now that summer's over?
Speaker B:Well, garage sale season is a coming, so I gotta dig out my haggling tube top.
Speaker A:Wait, wait a minute.
Speaker A:Your what?
Speaker B:My haggalling tube top.
Speaker B:It shows off just enough cleavage to turn a $20 end table into eight bucks in a free crock pot.
Speaker A:So you have clothing specifically for negotiating garage sale prices?
Speaker B:Well, yeah, Haystack.
Speaker B:Although these ain't really just clothes.
Speaker B:They're.
Speaker B:They're their business expenses.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, of course they are.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, I gotta go, sugar.
Speaker B:I got a whole neighborhood subdivision to financially manipulate y'.
Speaker B:All have a great day.
Speaker B:Talk to you later.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker B:Bye.
