Episode 584
Alabama Bama - 30,000-Mile Walker?
I take a call from Bama about a British guy who walked 30,000 miles over 28 years — she calls it a waste of shoe leather and can't fathom the point. She yells about walking, worships Walmart motor scooters, and swears she won't move back up to Arkansas now that they don't sell cigarettes. Mid-rant she casually announces she was married seven times in 28 years and didn't have to walk to find any of them. I try to get back on topic about the long walk, but Bama keeps doubling down on the absurd stuff until she abruptly signs off. She leaves because, and I quote, "my teeth are done soaking," which is honestly the most Alabama Bama way to end a conversation. We hang up laughing and wondering how life keeps getting weirder in the best possible way.
Takeaways:
- I rib a guy who walked thirty thousand miles while Bama calls that nonsense a waste of shoe leather and refuses to sympathize.
- We find out Bama hates walking — she rides Walmart mobility scooters like religion and hits the horn every time.
- I gasp when Bama casually says she married and divorced seven times in twenty‑eight years, most of them 'came right to my trailer'.
- We argue about cigarettes and moving back to Arkansas because Walmart stopped selling Newports, which Bama calls persecution.
- The call ends with Bama announcing her teeth are soaking in a coffee mug, then she bails mid‑sentence — classic chaotic exit.
Transcript
Good morning, it's Haystack.
Speaker A:It's pretty much my favorite time of the week when we chat with my dear old friend Bama who moved down to rural Alabama.
Speaker A:She's joining us on the phone now.
Speaker A:And Bama, did you hear about this guy who apparently spent 28 years walking something like 30,000 miles around the world?
Speaker B:Oh I sure did Haystack.
Speaker B:And my feet done hurt just thinking about how stupid that is.
Speaker A:Well now Bama, that's a pretty incredible accomplishment.
Speaker B:Incredible.
Speaker B:It's incredible.
Speaker B:Waste of shoe leather is what it is.
Speaker B:30,000 Miles?
Speaker B:Honey, after the first 10 I'd have called somebody with a pick em up truck.
Speaker A:Well now the whole point was to make the journey on foot.
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:Well that's why they invented cars.
Speaker B:I ain't a walking nowhere that I can ride.
Speaker A:So you're not much of a walker, are you, huh?
Speaker B:Shoot, when I go to the Walmarts I won't even walk from the entryway to the cigarettes.
Speaker B:The good Lord put a motor scooter right there in the entrance.
Speaker B:Who am I to defy him?
Speaker A:Well now, Bama or Walmart up here in northwest Arkansas they don't even sell cigarettes anymore.
Speaker B:Well now that's just another reason I ain't moving back up to Arkansas.
Speaker B:Y' all expect me to walk somewhere else for my Newports?
Speaker A:Well now, I don't think that's quite the hardship that you think it is.
Speaker B:Well it sounds like religious persecution to me, Haystack.
Speaker A:Bama, I don't think the Lord personally installed the mobility scooters at Walmart either.
Speaker B:Well somebody did.
Speaker B:And I thank him every time I hit that little horn.
Speaker A:Oh goodness.
Speaker A:Alright, well back to this British guy, Bama.
Speaker A:You know, his journey took him 28 years.
Speaker B:28 Years.
Speaker B:Hey Stack, do you know how many times that man could have done been married and divorced if he'd have just sat still?
Speaker A:I've got a feeling you're about to tell me.
Speaker B:Seven.
Speaker B:I know because I did it seven times.
Speaker A:Seven marriages in 28 years?
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, seven.
Speaker B:And I didn't have to walk 30,000 miles to find them neither.
Speaker B:Most of them came right to my trailer.
Speaker B:And to think about all the stuff he missed while he was a walking.
Speaker B:28 Years.
Speaker B:That's like three generations of cell phones and a whole bunch of different presidents and at least six different flavors of Mountain Dew,.
Speaker A:Ma'.
Speaker A:Am.
Speaker A:I suppose he does have a lot to catch up on.
Speaker A:So do you have any big plans for a big walking adventure of your own?
Speaker B:Well no, absolutely not, sugar.
Speaker B:I need to go anyway.
Speaker B:I'm gonna get off here.
Speaker B:My teeth are done soaking.
Speaker A:Wait, wait a minute.
Speaker A:Your.
Speaker A:Your teeth?
Speaker B:Yeah, my teeth.
Speaker B:If I leave them in there too long, they're gonna start tasting like the coffee mug.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker B:Bye, sugar.
Speaker B:Y' all have a great day.
